I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
