Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
