Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize