Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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