Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
