I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
