we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
