I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
