i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
