Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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