the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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