im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
