Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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