Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
