Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
being pregnant is like rehab
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
