I haven't been this sober since birth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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