I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
