i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
