Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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