I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
