Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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