anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
