how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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