I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize