Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
