I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
