I just threw up on my dentist
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
