It's Friday. Sex?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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