Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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