she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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