matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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