I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
tell me about the eggs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
