hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
