:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
