All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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