I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
whose parrot is this?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
