I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
