WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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