My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
