Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
