So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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