miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
