Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
