Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
