because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
