SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
