I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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