If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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