i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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