i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
