You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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