Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
