My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I want her autograph on my taint
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
