You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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