What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize