Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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