Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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